To: Mr Josh, From: josh
Happy Friday lovely! :)
Oftentimes when Chas and I talk about our past, or hell, talk with others about our past - childhood past that is... she has like an F-ton! of memories... shit, Chas can tell you where the sun was, if it was a Tuesday, day or night kinda stuff...
For me... I can't remember shit... at least until I was like 10ish... but even then, my memories do not compare to hers or others... even my siblings. I can't remember those details to my childhood.
I can however tell you how high the deck height was on a hospital job I did like 12 years ago. I catch people off guard in those whom I'm serving that I remember them saying they liked this or that... but beyond that kind of stuff - I cannot remember shit.
That being said however... I'm weird.
I have unintentionally found a way to talk to myself, "grown ass man, Mr. Josh", from the past... my younger self, josh.
As a kid, I remember watching TV and a commercial for Home Depot would come up.... "man, it'd be really cool to work there someday"....
Someday... there I am opening a can of paint mix loading the machines for the next night.. dabbing shit paint on my apron suddenly - BAM! .. there I am as a kid, watching that TV commercial.
As a kid, I did the same thing with going to ITT Tech (closed down now). It was a school for design... "I'd like to go there someday"...
Someday... I think I was in advanced Trigonometry... it was the only class I had just annihilated in college. Like killed it! 99.9% at the end of the semester kinda shit. It might have been after packed up, I'm not sure... but there I am again, by myself... book closed. Shit... here I am... like seeing myself in the past through my eyes back to a kid - the way a movie would rock that sudden perspective... weird.
[Side note].... I was a senior in high school. I found out that I did NOT need my math class to graduate. I had enough credits... so I told my Math teacher, my "TRIG" teacher that I will no longer be coming to class and will be rocking a half day... she said someday you're going to regret not following through in this class.... ^^^^BAM^^^^ 99.9% BUSTA! SMASHED IT! hahah!
Ok... yeah, so what you watched commercials and thought ahead?.. whoopy?!
When I would be by myself, or quietly with others, but by myself in my head... I'd be overwhelmed with a strange feeling. Not sadness, not anger. not joy. not anything of the norm. a weird feeling. I'd find myself trying to self talk keeping my mood and spirit up. I get chills as I recall this.. just a weird feeling. All I can do is connect it to a color. Like a ty-die kinda blue and white. It would consume my "good mood spirit" not make me mad or anything... just weird. very not of this world feeling. I've not had it since I was a high school senior..
I would eventually have dreams.. shit that would come true. I remember telling Chas one morning about my dream. I was out on a run in the morning... I saw a fire, ran in, walked out carrying a lady from the front door. I couldn't see the face, it was third person at this moment, but the person was built like me, I felt there.
Chas would call me later that morning as I was driving to work... in a slight panic she sounded too. We don't do the news (cause it's ALL bullshit) but at that time in our life, it would be on in the mornings when Chas would get ready... While not paying attention to anything but doing her normal self care routine, she overheard "local hero rescues lady while jogging"... she turned and looked, crazy weird in panic having heard this story already... additionally so.. the guy resembled my same body type features and overall similarity wise.
Later in the years, I was woken up from a damn ass real life dream... it must have been but 430ish.. there I am minding my own shit while asleep. I'm dreaming that I'm in the hospital with people. Kinda spirit like... like the old black and white pictures where the photographer would put an oval around people blurring out, blacking out the background so all you could do was see them. This is how I saw... like a filter on, fish eye look. There I am holding a baby, handing it from one person to another.... I can't see the faces. but faces and mumbling voices are there. I know for a fact, I was there for a birth of some sort, there with a newborn and its parents.
BAM! suddenly awake! from a dead sleep... no reason. just stupid weird.
On my drive home that day, for no reason at all, pre facebook, maybe Myspace was out, but nothing motivated me of any kind other than to just check in with a buddy who I had not talked to in a couple years. FOR NO REASON!...
Dude this is weird shit.
"Hey Josh, nice to hear from you bud"... he's in a chill exhausted kinda relaxed voice.. Yeah, me and Tasha are here in the hospital.. "SHIT"! like are you guys ok? [me not connecting any dots from this morning's wake up]... yeah, yeah, we're fine. Tasha gave birth to our son Brandon this morning.... I can't tell if the camera zoomed up on my face, or if it backed up in an out of world kinda dramatization - but you get the image I'm painting"... I asked calmly... about what time did this happen Mike?.... oh somewhere around 430'ish this morning.
Chills man! even now as I recall this. That is weird shit. Since then nothing like that has happened - well.. in that kinda deal.
This kind of thing, not exactly, but often times I'd catch myself in weird deja vu... where I'm caught off guard having ether truly connected the deja vu to a moment in time that legit happened but was similar.. or weirder yet, connected it to a thought - or crazier yet - a dream of some sort. Makes the deja vu super weird for me... i'll stop.. "I dreamt this"
The interesting part for me is that as I kid I would say things to myself that I can only now recall as an adult, or at least years later... there's not just a comment, there's a correlated connection of posture, light, mannerisms, and state of mind.. like a secret message that can only happen if A, B, C, D, & G line up exactly - (I skipped E & F) ((those are stupid letters anyway)) HAHA.. but there's a strange combination of things that make the dots of a past self, josh connect with my future self, Mr Josh.
I'm in 6th grade and was chillin in a chair waiting for class to start... I kick back in the chair (like a badass). rocking the chair back and forth, hands behind my head, fingers crossed.. you know, like a 6th grade badass... "someday, I'll be in high school and remember this moment" "Someday I won't be here, but will be there"..
There I am, in my senior year again.. must have been in honors english class... put all the smart kids in a room and it's a party of those kinds of people. Perfect environment for me to kick my chair back, rock it back and forth, hands behind my head, fingers crossed - like a badass...
Suddenly I'm back in 6th grade... looking at my 6th grade moment, back to me as a smaller kid, josh. there, but me, Mr Josh, older Josh is processing this in my reality... I'm lost and confused like WTF?!.... meanwhile beyond the memory of me being in 6th grade rocking like a badass is gone... stops there... I don't remember stopping in my badassery... that's just when I stopped talking to myself.
When I come back to reality in the "now".. that "woah shit!" pulls me out of my senior year badass moment... and grounds me... like surprsie smack in the head.. then I just sit there like a total dumbass with a stupid look on my face... like "woah" I swear though man... the aftermath, the shit I cannot remember "while in 6th grade" I'd swear that just before I come out of my badass moment, when I stopped rocking, I have this stupid ass grin on my face. almost creepy but - told ya so - knew it bro - you're so minded fucked and you don't even know it... that kind of face. that's all I see... stupid 6th grade josh.
I cannot remember if this was an idea of my brother's future, or a dream I had, or a thought. But I know as a matter of fact it happened just like all the other stuff I just mentioned... I was simply painting a picture for someone about their future.. me, my brother, I can't remember. All I remember was the spirit of the delivery for this articulated vision from my younger adult years about what would likely happen in the future.
From third person... someone pulls up from a long day at the jobsite. There's a truck pulling up - again shit's fuzzy, but you can see what's happening, but the exactness of the perifere is blurred, but you get the feeling of clarity... someone pulls up to a full driveway. There's soft tones, green foliage, not sure where, but it's there. Work gear is on. Work boots are on. Walking alone to the back of the truck to pop the tailgate and unload the day's use of tools. It's mid evening outside. It's not cold, it's not hot. Leaves are moving, the feeling of orientation is facing north because the lighting is to the persons left. I'm watching this all unfold as if I'm at the neighbor's house.. I can't hear conversations, I can't make out the faces. All the details are what I'm seeing unfold.
While at the back of the truck, someone approaches from the garage, it's a mother holding a baby on her hip to greet the man. As the exchange goes from mother to father, she hands him their child. In a casual manner, they both turn and face south, looking at where I am standing. They see me and the memory stops there.
Shit man. My eyes are welling up! and I have chills. I'm not crying, I'm not sad. the body is feeling whatever I'm putting down right now.
I started the handyman business in January of 2019. From today, that is about 2 years and 4 months ago. I have done over 420 jobs since then. I have pulled up to my house AT LEAST 300 times...
But Wednesday, 4/21/21, I came home from work that day. It must have been 4-430pm. I pulled into my driveway. There's Chas's tahoe to the left, my older handyman truck to the right, and am parking in the middle. The driveway is full. I get out of my truck - like I have for 300 times now... walking along the side of my truck leaves and shit are blowing.. I can hear the rustling of the palm trees to my right. Before rounding the corner to get my tools, I look to the right. The sun's fading down to the west, leaves and shit have filled my green grass yard. Mental notes to myself, gotta clean that shit up...
I walk to the tailgate, looking down'ish, I see my work boots and my hand clicks the handle.. like hitting the pause button on life... there I stand... I'm holding the tailgate... I look up. I'm facing north.. trees are swaying, it's not cold out, it's not hot. the sun is lifting my left side... what the hell.. still holding the tailgate... as if someone's watching me, I look behind me - nothing... but as I place it down I'm processing what the shit is happening... much like my badass moment in honors english... shit this is weird.
In the throes of my processing this stalking weird shit moment... my wife doesn't come to greet me holding a child... no. My two sons greet me from the garage, almost in single file order of delivery... Avin is halfway down with a football in his hand. I probably look like a total dipshit with a weird look on my face. Almost indirectly panicked like i'm gonna be attacked kind of feelings... all followed by Tristan wanting to play with - which seldom happens.
Again, I look behind me shaking my head like man! Was this supposed to happen?? I NEVER saw this happening. I never saw myself doing anything but design shit like I had told myself a kid.. And there I stand. In work gear. brown work boots on, collecting my tools from a hard days work which I've done HUNDREDS of times, bot not once did it resonate that that in fact is what I was doing.
josh saw this happening..
I don't know what any of it means. The weirdest thing for me has been that dream of when my friend Mike's son was born. That aside, this.. this is as crazy as the chicken coupe moment .. the man said, keep your head down, keep doing what you're doing. One day you'll see it and know everything you've done so far has led you to this decision. You're not going to know how or why, but you're going to buy that chicken coupe.
I'm still baffled... but the universe and josh have my attention. Something, somewhere is leading me down this road... I can't see it, but I can feel it - whatever it is - so I'm going to just keep listening to myself and what the universe puts in my path.
I told you... I'm weird. hahah!
I'm still coming down from what's going on but just needed to share with a buddy. I missed last week.. I'm sorry.. even though I have a handyman job today, I was going to follow through.
Have a grateful weekend! :)