These past few weeks I've found myself in a different kind of headspace. One that even catches me off guard. I'm not sure if it has to do with a culmination of the life changing shit show we went through these last few years?... Maybe there's been enough time to let the dust settle and the demands of emotional survival level out and know I can let down somewhat. I really don't know, but there is definite struggle going on.
Not the life or death kind of struggle that raises so many concerns. I honestly thought about naming this differently to not draw concern - but there's no better word for it than what it is. It's a struggle.
A struggle to:
to answer the phone to respond to emails, voicemails, texts to manage my schedule to manage my time to not spend money like a bad habit to not care what I'm spending the money on to follow-up with people to physically take care of myself to not let the rage out to not fall apart and lose my shit being a parent being a husband being a friend to know what im doing to give myself time to give my family time to be in a good mood to not drink alcohol daily and when I do, to not drink hardcore to have daily discipline to be motivated to....
After having said all that... I also know that I struggle to give myself a level of grace, a level of self understanding and a bit of a break really. For the first time in a long time, at least for me, I feel like I'm floundering with intentions - and I don't like it.
I thought long an hard about not putting these words down and sharing them with a buddy. The part that motivated me to do so really came down to honesty. I know who I share this with, some family, close friends, clients, paying customers, others...
One thing that I have found therapy in doing is when these words leave my fingers I can detach from the stresses of wondering thoughts. I can revisit them now and again to remember where I was at that time. When the courage comes to hit the send button and share it with someone, even if not 100% perfect, there's ownership in that.
I can feel in the back of my head, my inner voice is just letting me make kind of a mess, not saying anything, but really just giving me a minute to metaphorically cry it out. I know that we all need that now and again. From my perspective, that other side of my personality is letting it happen.
I so often share the successes of what I'm creating, what I'm building, being silly, telling a story, being supportive, being vulnerable... and this case, a rare case, sharing the struggles I'm dealing with.
I feel similar to someone whos had a cry session and while talking to them a joke can be made. Even with tears in the eyes, a soggy ass snot filled, tear filled kleenex, they can still genuinely laugh at the joke. Although in a shitty spot, they know it's ok to feel this way, they also know that it won't be forever either.. and right now, the kleenex is sticking to the fingertips leaving dissolved kleenex residue on the hands and is time throw it away. (you know what I'm talking about) haha :)
As much as I know I'm struggling with shit, I also know without struggle comes no growth...
and I'm all for growth :)
There's a lot to be thankful for in this world. Make it a grateful weekend friend!
thanks for being there :)