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Over committed

Good Saturday morning to ya's...

Well shit!... I missed yesterday's email.  Not including Black Friday, missing yesterday's email makes the second missed Friday in the history of my Grateful Friday emails (today's is #122).  I think it was unconsciously-intentional though.

I messed up last weekend with good friend's of mine.  I over committed myself and for what feels like the first time, it blew up in my face... more so crumbled.  For me, I feel one of my greatest attributes is having many abilities that allow me to do things for myself and others.. abilities where most would commonly have to outsource and pay for  X, Y, or Z.  This finds it's way into being able to help as many people as possible - and I love that.  Because at the very core of it, I'm in it for the people.  Although in its greatness it is also one of my biggest weaknesses as I  struggle with saying no and can easily over commit.

For years I've been able to stretch myself beyond my limits to keep up and survive.  Prior to being self employed all of my W2 jobs were salary based.  Meaning that no matter the effort I would still get paid the same.  So when Chas and I were in a tight spot financially I would take on any odd job I could...Weather I was making a water feature for extra simulation and money, or I was designing a business card or business marketing flyer, or doing CAD work for engineers, manufactures, architects - you name it... I was likely doing something.. stretching, almost dying, recovering, and doing it over again.

Now being self employed, the old habits are still there, I still take on a lot (which I am happy I can)... however, I wonder if what I'm feeling is old age creeping up...

you can't just go to the gym and start lifting like you could when you were a kid... you're gonna hurt you old man..

so goes for the case of loading myself up, more so, stretching myself out...

you're gonna snap old man....

or...and more likely...  the old man is wisdom...

you've only got so many hands child, you keep this up a ball is going to drop...

So... back peddle a week ago... one of my hands didn't catch a ball that was thrown.. and although it was done unconsciously, I dropped the ball on a family whom I care a lot about and that hurts.  Nothing was done in malice, it was that I was carrying too many plates and bowls to the kitchen.  Confidently so I was making my way there... I placed the large collection of shit I had on the counter and went on my merry way... but all the while I made a mess of uncontrolled plates and bowls that smashed on the ground behind me, unbeknownst to me. I casually went on my way leaving this mess to be cleaned up by my friends.. :( ... only for a while later to recognize my shortcomings of having over committed... that sucked.

The mess I created sat with me all week... it was the first thing I thought about when I got up and went to bed with.  So yesterday at 530A or so, rather than spending the time to write a grateful email, I spent that window of time hand writing an apology letter to my friends..

In Josh fashion, it was a 3 page handwritten letter... but it was needed.  I F'ed up.  I own that.  I came to the understanding that I over committed and lacked the courage to say no I can't.  As much as I want to, I'm going to make a mess if I do and I respect you so much that I don't want to make a mess in your house as I carry this huge stack of plates... but... I didn't.  And instead I made a mess not knowing that.

Although my sweet love Chas has always made comments about my stretching and ability to dance on thin ice.. She's always supported it, but she's also cautioned me on what could happen.  Old man wisdom dusted off the book she's been talking about and I read it to me... thankfully it was graceful, but it was a stern talking to - and I needed it.

Here it is 630 on Saturday morning... I went to bed late last night thinking of the letter and having missed my Grateful Friday email, I have over committed my days and something had to give.  I needed to own my actions and quiet my heart... 5A came fast and as I laid in bed, temporarily mentally paralyzed with the to-do's for the day/weekend... Collecting my thoughts, publicly owning my wrongs, fixing the lack of follow through was my first priority. 

Today is a new day.  One that I have the privilege of living and one that I get to do my best at doing... and if today isn't as good as I intended.. well that's the nice thing... I will take the lessons of today and make tomorrow just a little bit better.... but this time, I will realistically hold a heavy load of plates and bowls... just not an ass load of them.. because that can turn into a shitty mess.. and I don't want to do that again. >D

Have a grateful weekend friend! 

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