By Reading This, You Already Agreed
- Josh :) grateful
- Oct 24
- 4 min read
I was hired to install a rug.
Just a rug.
Not a ceiling fan. Not a full house remodel — just a rectangle of carpet to make the floor look pretty.
But apparently, the rug seller’s Terms & Conditions made that sound like a high-risk government operation. They “don’t do beds,” “don’t lift furniture,” and “don’t touch personal property” due to “liability.”
Apparently, we not only don’t trust you, Mr. & Mrs. Customer — we don’t even trust the people we employ.
So there I was — me on one side, two seventy-year-olds on the other — lifting a bed because the furniture delivery team weren’t authorized to move furniture. ?!
It hit me right there: shit… this is where we’re headed?!
Every corner of life, wrapped in red tape and digital fine print, written by someone who’s never broken a sweat.
So, in the spirit of modern absurdity, I figured I’d better get ahead of it.
Here it is —
The official, legally binding, zero-accountability masterpiece you never knew you agreed to:
THE GÜD HAND | TERMS, OUTRAGEOUS & CONDITIONS
Congratulations, homeowner!
By reading this sentence, you’ve agreed to everything that follows, including things we haven’t written yet and a few things we’ll deny later.
Welcome to the Future of Home Service —
where we perform work-like gestures adjacent to your expectations, in full compliance with modern liability trends.
Scope of Work:
Our services include showing up, nodding thoughtfully, and explaining why your project requires a permit, three signatures, and divine intervention.
Actual completion of the task requires a verified annual subscription to GÜD Hand Premium Ultra, paid in full, currently no monthly plans available.
Liability:
By inviting us into your home, you acknowledge that walls exist, floors are solid, and physics is non-negotiable.
We accept no responsibility for damages caused by tools, time, gravity, pets, moisture, logic, or eye contact.
Safety:
Client must list GÜD Hand, LLC as an additional insured party on their homeowner’s policy prior to the arrival of tools, opinions, or daylight.
Failure to comply voids your right to use words like careful, oops, or hey, watch that.
Property Access:
We cannot touch, move, look at, or sense any item in your home without legal representation present.
This includes, but is not limited to: furniture, emotions, heirlooms, and weird smells you swear weren’t there yesterday.
Privacy Policy:
We value your privacy. By hiring us, you consent to background audio collection, personality analysis, and light neighborhood gossip.
Your data may be shared with our accountant, Alexa, and our dog — who will absolutely judge your flooring choices.
Payment:
Payment is due immediately upon completion, contemplation, or spiritual enlightenment — whichever occurs first.
Late payments will result in mild public shaming and subtle misalignment of future picture frames.
Satisfaction Guarantee:
If unsatisfied, please contact our Department of Concern through our official feedback portal at:
Alternatively, please complete the enclosed Customer Comment Card — where your feedback truly matters.
Kindly fill out the box provided and return it using any federally approved air current.
Please write legibly. Anything outside the box will be disregarded.
Upon receipt, one of our representatives will promptly respond within 6–8 business days via traditional mail.
Restocking & Refund Policy:
Returns are accepted only on alternate Thursdays between 2:00–2:07 PM (MST), provided the item has not been used, touched, admired, or experienced in any measurable way.
A restocking fee of 148% applies to all returned items, including (but not limited to) screws, sawdust, leftover hope, and unsolicited advice.
This fee covers the emotional labor of pretending to care.
All returns must include original packaging, photos of the installation in natural daylight, and a notarized statement of remorse.
Items showing signs of disappointment, finger-pointing, or phrases like “it looked bigger online” will be rejected immediately.
Refunds will be issued in one of the following forms, at our discretion:
• Store credit redeemable only for items we no longer sell;
• Paper check mailed to an address we misheard;
• One (1) faint nod of acknowledgment from across the room.
Please allow 6–8 business decades for processing, or whenever accounting stops laughing — whichever comes first.
Termination:
You may cancel services by reciting “Stop, for I have doubts” three times into a shop vac.
We reserve the right to cancel for any reason, including but not limited to: humidity, horoscopes, or bad vibes.
The Handshake Clause:
In the rare event we actually finish something correctly, both parties agree to exchange a handshake containing more honor than this entire document combined.
Ridiculous, right?
Except… not really.
We’re a few signatures away from this being real.
We’ve traded craftsmanship for clauses, trust for templates, and common sense for cover-your-ass culture.
There was a time when someone’s word meant something — no forms, no disclaimers, no twelve-point font about Acts of God.
Just a handshake, fist bump, sweat, and your name behind the promise.
That’s still my Terms & Conditions.
Simple.
Unwritten.
And binding as hell.
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